Cadence OneFive’s Guide to Self-Guided Restorative Conversations

Restorative conversations are a powerful tool for resolving conflicts, repairing relationships, and fostering a positive workplace community. Restorative conversations are often mediated by a neutral facilitator; however, at Cadence, we have situations where a neutral facilitator may not be available for restorative conversations.

This guide focuses on how individuals can engage in restorative conversations directly with each other, without external facilitation.

Understanding Restorative Conversations

Restorative conversations focus on:

Addressing harm: This involves openly discussing and acknowledging the negative impact of actions or words on individuals or the community. It is necessary because unacknowledged harm can fester, leading to resentment and further damage to relationships and community cohesion.
Taking responsibility: Participants are encouraged to own their actions and their consequences, moving beyond blame to understand their role in the situation. This step is crucial as it shifts the focus from accusation to accountability, paving the way for genuine change and healing.
Healing relationships: The conversation aims to repair damaged connections and rebuild trust between individuals or within a group. This is essential because healthy relationships are the foundation of a functional community or workplace, and unresolved conflicts can undermine collaboration and overall well-being.
Learning and growth: Participants reflect on the experience to gain insights about themselves, others, and how to handle similar situations better in the future. This aspect is vital as it transforms the conflict into an opportunity for personal and collective development, reducing the likelihood of similar issues recurring.
Moving forward positively: The conversation concludes with a plan or agreement on how to progress from the conflict in a constructive manner that benefits all involved parties. This final step is necessary to ensure that the insights and commitments made during the conversation translate into tangible actions, promoting lasting positive change.

Key Principles

Mutual Respect: Treat each other with dignity and respect throughout the process.
Active Listening: Focus on truly understanding each other’s perspectives.
Honesty and Vulnerability: Be willing to share openly and authentically.
Patience: Recognize that the process may take time and multiple conversations.
Self-Reflection: Be willing to examine your own actions and their impacts.
Shared Responsibility: All parties are responsible for the success of the conversation.

When is a Restorative Conversation Needed?

Recognizing the need for a restorative conversation often involves noticing persistent tension, unresolved conflicts, or a breakdown in trust within a relationship or community. You might need a restorative conversation when you observe ongoing negative emotions like resentment, anger, or fear stemming from a past incident or misunderstanding. Signs can include avoidance behaviors, decreased collaboration, or a general sense of discomfort when interacting with certain individuals or groups:

Persistent tension or unresolved conflict

Example: Team members consistently disagree on project approaches, leading to frequent arguments and hindered progress.
Breakdown in trust or communication

Example: An employee feels their contributions are consistently undervalued, resulting in decreased engagement and productivity.
Negative impact on wider group dynamics

Example: A dispute between two leads is causing their respective teams to become antagonistic towards each other, affecting overall company morale.
Recurring issues despite apparent resolution

Example: Despite agreements to improve meeting behavior, patterns of behavior inconsistent with our community norms persist, indicating deeper underlying issues.

Steps for a Self-Guided Restorative Conversation

Tips for Success

Take breaks if emotions run high
If you reach an impasse, consider scheduling a follow-up conversation
Practice self-care before and after the conversation
Remember that perfect resolution may not be possible immediately; focus on progress
Be willing to seek outside help if needed

1. Preparation

Individually reflect on the situation and your feelings
Consider writing down key points you want to address
Choose a neutral, comfortable setting for the conversation
Agree on a time when all parties can be fully present

2. Setting the Stage

Begin by acknowledging the importance of the conversation
Jointly establish ground rules, such as:
- No interrupting
- Using “I” statements
- Committing to stay engaged even if things get difficult

Take turns sharing your experience of what happened
Use phrases like:
- “From my perspective…”
- “My experience was…”
- “I felt… when…”

4. Active Listening and Reflection

After each person speaks, the other(s) should summarize what they heard
Use phrases like:
- “What I’m hearing you say is…”
- “It sounds like you felt… Is that correct?”

5. Exploring Impact

Each person should share how they were affected
Be specific about emotional, practical, and relational impacts
Avoid blame; focus on your own experience

6. Taking Responsibility

Each person should reflect on their role in the situation
Acknowledge any harm caused, even if unintentional
Use phrases like:
- “I recognize that my actions… led to…”
- “I take responsibility for…”

7. Expressing Needs and Concerns

Each person should express what they need to move forward
Be specific and focus on the future

8. Collaborative Problem-Solving

Brainstorm solutions together
Focus on actions that address everyone’s needs
Be open to compromise

9. Making Agreements

Clearly state what each person is committing to do
Be specific about actions and timelines
Consider writing down agreements

10. Closing the Conversation

Acknowledge the effort everyone has put into the conversation
Express appreciation for any progress made
Agree on any follow-up steps or future check-ins

Follow-up

Check in with each other after some time has passed
Be open to additional conversations as needed
Acknowledge and celebrate positive changes

Remember, restorative conversations require commitment and emotional maturity from all participants. And sometimes, to be at our best in the conversation, we do need help from a facilitator. If at any point you feel unable to proceed productively, please ask HR for a facilitator.

Continuous Learning: Assessing Your Restorative Conversation

Reflection Questions

What were the strengths of this restorative conversation?
Which areas need the most improvement?
How has this conversation impacted your relationship(s) with the other participant(s)?
What specific actions will you take based on this conversation?

Self-evaluation Rubric

Use this rubric to evaluate the effectiveness of your restorative conversation. Rate each item on a scale of 1 to 4:

1 - Needs Significant Improvement

2 - Needs Some Improvement

3 - Meets Expectations

4 - Exceeds Expectations

I. Understanding and Acknowledgment

Mutual understanding of each other’s perspectives
Full acknowledgment of harm caused
Acceptance of responsibility for actions
Emotional Restoration

II. Reduction in negative emotions (anger, fear, etc.)

Increase in empathy between parties
Restoration of trust

III. Relationship Repair

Improved communication between parties
Commitment to address the harm
Renewed sense of connection or respect

IV. Action and Accountability

Clear, mutually agreed-upon action plan
Commitment to specific behavioral changes
Identified support systems for ongoing healing

V. Personal and Community Growth

Insights gained for personal development
Increased conflict resolution skills
Plan for positive impact on wider community (if applicable)

HR to-do item: In the future, we may want to run a facilitation training program and maintain an in-house pool of trained neutrals.